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I have just finished updating this blog with a myriad of old poetry, none of which is in anyway chronological. As I look back, some of my poetry is filled with such angst. Others filled with longing. Still others filled with depression, pining, begging, dysfunction, skued perceptions of love. You can clearly tell not all of this poetry is from the last 6 years of my life, which have truly been the happiest and most blessed time of my life. I didn't even know what I didn't know. I publish the old poetry because I like it. It helps me to remember. And its not so much remembering old love fondly, but rather realizing just how far God has grown my spirit of independence, compromise, love, and my ability to sustain a healthy relationship. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful partner who supports me, loves me, and helps me to grow every day. I use to LOVE to write angsty I hate myself, I hate love, I need you to accept me, please don't leave me, please love me poetry. And I use to write a lot of it. I don't write much these days. I think it’s because life is so good and I have so much love and respect for Nikki, I can never find the right words to really do her justice.

I hope you enjoy the poetry.

I want to write

I want to have something to say.

But tonight earth’s canvas has drawn a blank.

The tractor trailers are passing quickly in the distance on the freeway.

Crickets and nights creatures are singing a hymn.

The smell of honeysuckle has found its way under my nose.

Cats hiss from beneath the porch.

Tonight I laughed and talked with friends over two bottles of wine.

Yet, the world stood still.

Here I am watching from my obstructed view.

You are somewhere in this world under the same stars and clouds.

Whether it be 500 or 50,000 miles at this point is mute.

I long to be wrapped in your embrace; to be reminded of your essence, but rest will not come.

Daylight will not break through to your touch.

Perhaps I should be comforted in knowing your distance is but a temporary state.

Return to me my love and remind me of days gone past.

Yes, return to me, revive the fields of flowers in my heart and bring back to me the love that is my grounding.

Without you, I am a lost ship at sea looking for port.

Longing for you tonight, reaching out, but pulling back emptiness.

How much longer until this journey ends?

Blessed am I

Golden moment I beseech you.

Small pellets of rain dance onto the ground urging new growth.

Tall aging bamboo shoots give way to the wind while the white picket fence fades into the background.

How did I get here?

Life with all its turns and curves has delivered me with grace to this moment of revelation.

Black, white and brown cows have not a care in the world but roaming and eating the lush land around them.

A bird sings a hymn from the electric wires above and the tall multi colored trees shed their skin re-inventing themselves like I.

Downspout pours out what remains of today’s shower.

The entire landscape sheds itself, turning itself over, preparing for winter.

Yes I see a grand unveiling and thanksgiving on the horizon.

I am Grateful to bear witness and absorb this very moment in time.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring or if it will bring itself at all.

So I must stand in awe, in reverence and give thanks to God for His abundant yield.

Blessed am I. Yes, indeed. Blessed am I.

Fear

Fear how you torment and toss me about.

The cold magnificence of your strength envelops my throat.

Yielding to you, I am too weak to overcome your power.

My candle snuffs out.

Pray, pray, pray.

Begging for your darkness to release its gnarly hands brings no relief.

No explanation can make logical this inconclusive notion.

No more power do you have than I give you, creating inside myself, a victim.

Yet, here I am begging you away to no avail.

Yes, inside myself, I creep around looking for surrender.

Faith is on the other side beyond my reach.

Sweaty palms, shaking soul, I am buried beneath myself.

God, come to me and save me from myself.

I didn’t know I was a daddy’s girl

Mom always gave enough love to go around,

But the word “daddy” was an unfamiliar sound.

You were the dad God meant for me to have on earth,

It doesn’t matter that you weren’t there from birth.

I didn’t know I was a daddy’s girl until you found me.

Until then I never learned what true family was meant to be.

It’s a blessing that’s come to stay,

For even once your gone, it’s a memory no one can take away.

There will never be a man I admire so much.

I can’t explain how my life’s been touched.

You’re the most like Jesus of anyone I’ve ever known,

The best role model I’ve ever been shown.

I didn’t know I was a daddy’s girl until you found me

Until then I never learned what true family was meant to be.

It’s a blessing that’s come to stay,

For even once your gone, it’s a memory no one can take away.

So many years I waited, but it could have been twice as long,

It was worth it to know you and be your tagalong.

There are no words of thanks that will ever do,

No words to describe how much I truly love you,

Because…

I didn’t know I was a daddy’s girl until you found me

Until then I never learned what true family was meant to be.

It’s a blessing that’s come to stay,

For even once your gone, it’s a memory no one can take away.

I thank you God for you daddy every single day that passes by

I will cherish you until the day I die.

I will always be daddy’s girl

Yes, I will always be a daddy’s girl.

Remembering

Through distance and circumstance, you remain my muse.

Wafting scents of amber always readily available upon inhalation; caught somewhere between Rootless Tree and Delicate.

Do not misunderstand; a snapshot of my life would prove contentment.

Still yet, a secret yearning, a deeply buried need exists, refusing to dull, a wanting beyond explanation.

Perhaps fate was cruel.
Maybe if I had finished on my terms.

Wait.

I lie.

I did get what I wanted, didn’t I?

Is it a rewrite I search for in my dreams?

It is one secret moment hidden in time, a private compartment to experience your unrelenting desire at the exact moment I may receive it.

Indeed.

I was robbed of the one thing I needed most desperately.

For you to love me more than you could comprehend while I still had it inside me to give you my love.

We’ve moved on to new stories, where most days suppressing is unconscious.
Other days, I can barely breathe as the wave of reminders crash into my clean and beautiful life.

I love you. I hate you. I love you. 

Victim

I am your victim.

Forgive me if I flail in captivity.

I know naught how to fight for my freedom.

Your shackles are my shroud.

I scream, I roar, I cry, I shiver, no way to unleash me.

I am buried in your mercy and I cannot to dig past this moment.

All of my fears are so raw, so defined.

You leave me vulnerable waiting for my next command.

My confusion is so prevalent.